Forever Your Darling
by the book lady
Summary: Magnus, I am so, so sorry, and yet I know my apologies are worth nothing to you. What I did was awful. I should have never even considered it. You were right about Camille, I'm sorry I didn't listen. I understand if you can never forgive me. Honestly, I don't think I'll ever forgive myself. Not after what I did to you, what I did to us.-A letter Alec leaves for Magnus-Post CoLS
1. Forever Your Darling

**A/N This is another one of my Malec feels after finishing CoLS. I wrote this forever ago, but I decided to edit and post it for you to read. There are spoilers about the end of CoLS in here, so if you haven't finished the book don't read. I hope you like it! Also, this has no correlation with my other story All I Ever Wanted, if you have read that. I think of them in separate headcanons, so neither should you. Also, I realised the title is very similar to another Malec oneshot of mine, but they aren't related either. Sorry for my lack of skill at giving things titles. It's a letter Alec wrote when he went to gather his stuff from Magnus' apartment, and I imagine him leaving it on the counter or a coffee table for Magnus to see when he gets home. I'm thinking about writing a second part to this where Magnus finds the letter, but I'll only do it if this gets enough feedback.**

**Enjoy!**

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Forever Your Darling

Magnus,

I am so, so sorry, and yet I know my apologies are worth nothing to you. What I did was awful. I should have never even considered it. You were right about Camille, I'm sorry I didn't listen. I understand if you can never forgive me. Honestly, I don't think I'll ever forgive myself. Not after what I did to you, what I did to us.

You said that I don't trust you. You said I never have. But that's not the case. It's not that I didn't trust you, I just didn't trust myself. I didn't trust myself to love you freely and not screw everything up in the process. Now look where that got me. I trust you more than anyone, Magnus. More than I trust Jace, more than I trust Isabelle, you have seen sides of me that no one else knows about. This was never an issue of trust, I was just afraid. Looking back it seems as though I was always afraid when it came to you, when it came to us. But now I am surer than ever that it is with you that I belong. I know now that it is too late, but I want you to know how scared I was. How scared I was of losing you. I don't like to appear weak, you know this more than anyone, but now I need to tell you everything, no matter how vulnerable it makes me, because you deserve to know. Magnus, you deserve every explanation I can possibly give you, and even then, I know it will never be enough.

When we went to the Seelie Court the other day, Simon mouthed off to the Queen. Even though it was a huge mistake on his part, it was incredibly funny seeing someone as awkward as Simon standing up to the Queen, who is rarely ever mocked. Of course I laughed, we all did. The Queen does not like to be laughed at, of course, so she took the attention off of her and put it all on me.

You're probably wondering why I am telling you all of this, but you'll see. I promise it's not all in vain.

You know how some nights I'll wake up in a cold sweat and I can't breathe and I'm screaming and writing in the bed because of a dream I have had, and you have to talk me down before I can sleep again? And once I'm coherent enough I'll tell you it's nothing and you don't have to worry? I lie, every time I have that nightmare, I lie to you, and it is one of the most foolish things I have ever done. I shouldn't lie to you Magnus, I know, and I'm sorry, but I was just so afraid. So scared that you would think I am weak and you'd leave me. You deserve the truth, so here it is. Those nightmares are the worst dreams I have ever had. Being a Shadowhunter doesn't allow for bad dreams, you grow up learning how to kill all the monsters mundane children fear. You have no reason to be afraid. I've never had a dream like that, so I have never truly known what a nightmare it. But these dreams are worse than those of mundane children. They aren't about demons or monsters, they're about us. In them, I am always an old, old man, and you don't look a day older than you do now. You're beautiful, Magnus, striking and full of life, and I'm just some frail old man. We're sitting together, and I keep saying "I love you", but you won't look at me. You don't hear me, and you don't acknowledge me. It's like you don't even remember who I am. My voice seems to be just another sound in the white noise, and it does nothing to get your attention. And after we've sat there for a while I've started to beg and plead, but you still won't look at me, and then the wind blows and I just disappear. Like ashes floating away in the breeze, forgotten and alone. That's what I am without you, Magnus, lost. But you, you're strong and independent and you'll get up and continue on without me. You keep living life like I never existed. To me, in these dreams, that is the worst thing that could ever happen.

Now back to the Seelie Court. You remember how I said the Queen put the attention on me? She made all of my nightmares, my greatest fears, come true. It was a glamour of course, and it made me look old. My hair turned grey and my skin started to wrinkle. I could feel myself aging, and the whole time all I could think about was what you would think. She taunted me. She told me you'd never want me looking like this. It scared the hell out of me. That's all it was. I was just scared. Scared of losing you, scared you would forget me, scared that all of our efforts, all that it took to finally be together, were for nothing. It was never that I didn't trust you. Because I do. Magnus, you are my closest confidant, my lover and a friend, someone I would always confide in because I know you'll listen. It is with you that I share my worries and my deepest secrets. Not Izzy. Not Jace. Only you. You mean the world to me. You _are _my world, and I hate to see it all fall apart.

I was so foolish. It was wrong for me to even consider doing to you what Camille was offering. I would give anything, everything to have another try. At you, at us. But in life there are no do-overs. I guess I learned that when Max died. You can't get a second chance, but oh how I wish I could. I'll never stop loving you Magnus. It is clear to me that you don't want my love any longer, but I will give it to you anyway with the slightest hope that you will change your mind. You are, and always will be, my only love. Every day I will miss hearing your voice, smelling your hair, feeling your arms around my waist and your lips sealed against mine. I'll miss your soothing whispers of comfort, your sarcasm and wit, your intelligence. Every day I will long to see you smile one more time and to know that it was because of me. I remember how brightly you smiled in that apartment building's lobby after we thought we defeated Lilith. You looked so happy. We were so happy then, we had so much love and joy and _hope. _Why can't we go back to that? It is a silly request, but I'll never go a day without thinking about what it would be like if you took me back.

I know you wanted me to gather all my things, but I can't bear to take any of them with me. It makes this all feel too permanent, too real. And even thought I will eventually have to come to terms with it, right now I just want to pretend, just for a little, that maybe I'm not really leaving. I left you all of our photographs together, the ones from our vacation. Hopefully, they will remind you of me, because the last thing I want is for you to forget me. Promise me, Magnus, that you won't forget what we had. Promise me you will always remember our love. It is too painful for me to bear the idea of you forgetting about me when I know I'll never forget you. There is one picture I took though. The one of us kissing under the Eiffel Tower, but it wasn't planned. Surely you remember it? You were holding the camora? Camera? Those mundane words are so confusing. Anyway, you had it stretched out in front of us and we were both smiling, but at the last second we both turned to kiss each other on the cheek, and our eyes went wide when we were met with lips instead. We laughed for a long time afterwards. The other tourists must have thought we were insane. I just think we were happy. But I promise that's the only photo I took. You can have the rest, as long as you'll look at them often and remind yourself of what we once were. I really thought you were it for me, Magnus. After I met you I could never imagine my future without you in it. Even if I could picture a life without you, I don't think I would have ever been able to guess how much it would hurt.

I love you more than I thought I was capable of loving another. Never forget that I love you. You may forget the time we spent together, how we met, why we broke up, why I ever made you happy in the first place, you may even forget why you loved me, but please, I'm_ begging_ you, never forget that a boy named Alexander Gideon Lightwood loves you.

It is nice to think that even though we are apart, I will always be your darling.

I'll never stop loving you,

Alec

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**Reviews are always appreciated! I love to get feedback, it makes writing so much more fun. Also, I'm on Tumblr now, so if you want to drop by my url is jcsviolin. I'll follow anyone, and I'd be happy to chat with you about these books, or really anything else of common interest! So drop by and say hello! It would be appreciated! And as always, thank you for reading.**


	2. Forever My Darling

**A/N So, this is Magnus' reaction to the letter Alec wrote. This has actual narration in it, so I hope I did well with that. I couldn't figure out a way to show his reaction (that made sense) without actually putting the letter in it, so forgive me for making you read that twice. It is mixed in with Magnus' thoughts though, but if you want to skim read the letter part (it's italicized) I understand.**

**Also, it occurred to me that I did not put a disclaimer on the last chapter. So, I don't own The Mortal Instruments. I'm just a girl with a laptop**

**Another disclaimer-y thing. The first italicized section is copied directly from City of Lost Souls. I cut some of the dialogue out, but it's still from the book. It's not mine.**

**And a BIG thank you to those who reviewed/PM-ed me! You guys are great! I got so many wonderful reviews and it makes me so happy to see people like what! I write. I tried to thank everybody with a PM, but if I missed you I am so sorry, so thank you! There was one anon though who I can't thank that way, so I'll say it here! Your review was seriously one of the best reviews I have ever received! Better than Cassandra Clare? I don't know about that, but that is the highest compliment you could give me so thank you! It means a lot.**

**Your guys' feedback is why I wrote this, so I hope this installment doesn't disappoint you!**

**Enjoy!**

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Forever My Darling

By the time Magnus returned to his apartment his feet were sore and every muscle in his body ached; his heart was no exception.

He had spent the entire day walking. He walked anywhere and everywhere in New York he could think of, being sure to steer clear of the Institute. Walking, he found, was a good way to relieve distress and heartache when simply destroying everything within a couple miles radius with his magic would suffer too many consequences. All he wanted to do was relax and try to forget everything. But as he shuffled into the empty and unlit apartment Magnus knew forgetting would be an impossible task. The breakup wasn't supposed to be difficult for him. Wasn't it supposed to be easy, painless even, for the one who broke things off? But he knew better. The truth was, he was still very in love with Alexander. He loved him so much, but he was too angry and felt too betrayed to let the shadowhunter in again. Magnus was so tired, and his confusion was making his head pound. His heart was a swirling mix of emotion, disappointment and confusion and longing for Alexander, frustration and hatred toward Camille, and predominantly, anger at himself. Anger for so readily ending things, for not trying to talk things out, for not finding a more sensible solution. Anger for not only breaking his own heart, but breaking Alexander's.

Magnus realised with a sigh that that train of thought was doing him no good. He shook his head and yanked his fingers through his inky black hair in frustration. His footsteps were soft as he treaded across the threshold and into the living room, but they seemed to echo loudly off of the walls and when the sound greeted his ears it was much louder than it should have been. The echo seemed to mock him in his loneliness. He didn't want to look at anything around him. Magnus knew that if he looked at the apartment he would remember exactly where all of Alec's things used to be and get even sadder.

Without turning his head to see what Alec had taken or to check if he had left his keys on the table like he had instructed him to, Magnus walked with his head hung low straight into the bedroom. Crying himself to sleep sounded incredibly appealing right now.

Magnus was trying as hard as he could to not think about Alec, but it was made impossible with his bed still smelling like him. Releasing a shout of aggravation, Magnus hastily tore at his closet doors and yanked out a spare quilt and pillow and went to make his bed on the couch. Tears were flowing freely from his eyes now, and whether they were from frustration, exhaustion, heartache, anger, or all three, Magnus was too tired to tell. He pulled the old quilt up over his shoulder and buried his tear-stained face into the pillow, falling into a sleep plagued with dreams about bottle glass blue eyes, pale, milky skin, and dark, raven coloured hair.

(PageBreak)

Magnus was aware of the light behind his eyelids streaming in from the windows, but he wasn't ready to wake up yet. Instead of rolling out of bed, he rolled the other way and moved to wrap an arm around Alec's waist- and fell off of the couch.

"What on earth…?" he mumbled groggily, rubbing at his eyes and trying to figure out why he was on the floor. He looked around the living room, taking in the coffee table empty of Alec's possessions, the clothes that he had been wearing yesterday and never changed out of, and the quilt thrown across the room when he fell, and it all came rushing back to him. The dark alley way, the smell of the city air in the morning, before it got all smoggy.

"_I'll be out all day. Come and get your things out of the apartment. Leave your key on the dining room table. It's over. I don't want to see you again, Alec."_

The heartbreak written all over Alexander's face.

"_It means 'I love you'. Not that it changes anything." _

"_But if you love me-"_

"_Of course I do. More than I thought I would. But we're still done." _

The anger in his tone.

"_But it was just a mistake. One mistake-"_

The desperation in Alec's.

"_But you didn't trust me. You never have." _

The feeling of betrayal coursing through his veins, hot and angry, like lava.

"_I do. I will, I'll try. Give me another chance-"_

How his heart had broken even more, shattered further beyond repair every time he denied those sad, panicked, beautiful blue eyes.

"_No." _

Had he really said all of that? Had he really been that harsh? Was Alec really gone?

Like a mad man, Magnus scrambled to get off the ground and ran over to the dining room. He tripped several times and stumbled like a drunk, but he didn't care. He needed to see if Alec's set of keys were really there. If he was really gone. Somewhere, back in the logical part of his mind, he knew that the keys had to be on the table. He knew that Alec would never take them if he didn't want him to have them. But the heartbroken, stress-addled part of his brain needed to look, he needed to be sure.

It was inevitable, but Magnus couldn't fight the sinking feeling in his chest when he saw the gleaming silver key resting atop the dinner table.

"No," he whispered, the word tumbling unconsciously from his lips. He knew he should be happy. This was what he had wanted, right? Alec had almost taken away his immortality. That's pretty close to killing him. Of course he wanted him gone right? "NO!" He yelled this time, his heartbreak overpowering the betrayal. Angrily, Magnus lifted the key off the table and hurled it across the room. The anger gone from his body, he dejectedly sank into one of the chairs gathered around the table. He had no idea what he wanted. He slumped over and let his head fall to the table top. But instead of hitting cool hardwood his forehead came into contact with something much softer. Paper.

Wondering why he hadn't noticed it before, Magnus lifted his head off of the table top and lifted the paper for further inspection. It appeared to be a letter, hastily written and blotted with tears; Magnus instantly recognized Alec's less than elegant penmanship.

It read:

_Magnus, _

_I am so, so sorry, and yet I know my apologies are worth nothing to you. What I did was awful. I should have never even considered it. You were right about Camille, I'm sorry I didn't listen. I understand if you can never forgive me. Honestly, I don't think I'll ever forgive myself. Not after what I did to you, what I did to us. _

Some of the words were smeared and distorted by tear drops, but the paper had dried enough for the message to be legible. It hurt Magnus to know he had made his Alec, strong, beautiful Alec, cry.

_You said that I don't trust you. _

In all of this, that statement was one of Magnus' biggest regrets. Because Alec obviously trusted him. He trusted him enough to let him love him even though he wasn't entirely comfortable with it yet. He trusted him enough to kiss him in the Accords Hall in front of hundreds of other shadowhunters, in front of his _parents, _because he knew that if they were judged in any way he'd have Magnus to fall back on. He trusted him enough to bind their powers in battle and fight side by side, partners in more ways than just the romantic one. Alec trusted him more than anyone, and Magnus was too stupid to realise it.

_You said I never have. But that's not the case. _

Magnus laughed a laugh full of mirth and regret at this, because now, after it was too late, he had realised that without having to read it. But there was no turning back. Surely Alec was angry with him. Maybe he hated him. Magnus would blame him. He had taken Alexander's love and thrown it away without a thought about how damaged it might leave him. He deserved better than Magnus, and Magnus felt like he deserved to be hated.

_It's not that I didn't trust you, I just didn't trust myself. I didn't trust myself to love you freely and not screw everything up in the process. Now look where that got me. I trust you more than anyone, Magnus. More than I trust Jace, more than I trust Isabelle, you have seen sides of me that no one else knows about. This was never an issue of trust, I was just afraid. Looking back it seems as though I was always afraid when it came to you, when it came to us. But now I am surer than ever that it is with you that I belong. I know now that it is too late, but I want you to know how scared I was. How scared I was of losing you._

At this point Magnus started crying. He should have _known. _He should have realised that it was only fear. The signs were everywhere, there from the start. Alec was always nervous and unsure. It had nothing to do with trust, if he only would have _known. _

_I don't like to appear weak, you know this more than anyone, but now I need to tell you everything, no matter how vulnerable it makes me, because you deserve to know. Magnus, you deserve every explanation I can possibly give you, and even then, I know it will never be enough. _

His sadness hadn't disappeared, but there was another emotion there. Satisfaction, bitter satisfaction. Alec had seen how badly he hurt Magnus; he seemed to understand the magnitude of what he had done. That made Magnus feel better. Even though there was no making up for what had been done, there was a chance that they could fix this if Alec knew what he did wrong. That thought was enough to put a smile on Magnus' face. His first genuine smile in a long time, he thought distantly.

_When we went to the Seelie Court the other day, Simon mouthed off to the Queen. _

If he weren't so distraught Magnus would have laughed out loud. The thought of Simon being a smart ass to the Seelie Queen was pretty funny.

_Even though it was a huge mistake on his part, it was incredibly funny seeing someone as awkward as Simon standing up to the Queen, who is rarely ever mocked. Of course I laughed, we all did. The Queen does not like to be laughed at, of course, so she took the attention off of her and put it all on me. _

_You're probably wondering why I am telling you all of this, but you'll see. I promise it's not all in vain. _

"Don't think like that, Alexander." Magnus said out loud without realising it. "Your efforts are never wasted on me."

_You know how some nights I'll wake up in a cold sweat and I can't breathe and I'm screaming and writhing in the bed because of a dream I have had, and you have to talk me down before I can sleep again? _

Of course he remembers. Sometimes Magnus thinks the dreams are just as terrifying for him as they are for Alec. He doesn't even know what they're about, but they have to be pretty bad to scare someone as strong as he is.

_And once I'm coherent enough I'll tell you it's nothing and you don't have to worry? I lie, every time I have that nightmare, I lie to you, and it is one of the most foolish things I have ever done. I shouldn't lie to you Magnus, I know, and I'm sorry, but I was just so afraid. So scared that you would think I am weak and you'd leave me. You deserve the truth, so here it is. Those nightmares are the worst dreams I have ever had. Being a Shadowhunter doesn't allow for bad dreams, you grow up learning how to kill all the monsters mundane children fear. You have no reason to be afraid. I've never had a dream like that, so I have never truly known what a nightmare it. But these dreams are worse than those of mundane children. They aren't about demons or monsters, they're about us. In them, I am always an old, old man, and you don't look a day older than you do now. You're beautiful, Magnus, striking and full of life, and I'm just some frail old man. We're sitting together, and I keep saying "I love you", but you won't look at me. You don't hear me, and you don't acknowledge me. It's like you don't even remember who I am. My voice seems to be just another sound in the white noise, and it does nothing to get your attention. And after we've sat there for a while I've started to beg and plead, but you still won't look at me, and then the wind blows and I just disappear. Like ashes floating away in the breeze, forgotten and alone. That's what I am without you, Magnus, lost. But you, you're strong and independent and you'll get up and continue on without me. You keep living life like I never existed. To me, in these dreams, that is the worst thing that could ever happen. _

"Oh _darling," _Magnus murmured. The dreams were about them? About their future? His heart lurched at the thought. Had none of this happened he would have happily stayed with Alec for all his life, even while he was old and grey. He would love him no matter what.

_Now back to the Seelie Court. You remember how I said the Queen put the attention on me? She made all of my nightmares, my greatest fears, come true. It was a glamour of course, and it made me look old. My hair turned grey and my skin started to wrinkle. I could feel myself aging, and the whole time all I could think about was what you would think. She taunted me. She told me you'd never want me looking like this. It scared the hell out of me. _

That _bitch. _Magnus knew that there was no way for him to take the blame for Alec's actions off of him, but it made him angry to know that the Seelie Queen had taken a part in all of this. She had no right, it wasn't her place to screw around.

_That's all it was. I was just scared. Scared of losing you, scared you would forget me, scared that all of our efforts, all that it took to finally be together, were for nothing. It was never that I didn't trust you. Because I do. Magnus, you are my closest confidant, my lover and a friend, someone I would always confide in because I know you'll listen. It is with you that I share my worries and my deepest secrets. Not Izzy. Not Jace. Only you. You mean the world to me. You are my world, and I hate to see it all fall apart._

The letter was tearing his already destroyed heart into shreds. Magnus didn't know if he could read any more. It hurt too much, but he needed to know everything Alec had to say. After all, he wouldn't have written it if he hadn't wanted Magnus to read it.

_I was so foolish. It was wrong for me to even consider doing to you what Camille was offering. I would give anything, everything to have another try. At you, at us. But in life there are no do-overs. I guess I learned that when Max died. You can't get a second chance, but oh how I wish I could. I'll never stop loving you Magnus. It is clear to me that you don't want my love any longer, but I will give it to you anyway with the slightest hope that you will change your mind. _

"Maybe I have…"

_You are, and always will be, my only love. Every day I will miss hearing your voice, smelling your hair, feeling your arms around my waist and your lips sealed against mine. I'll miss your soothing whispers of comfort, your sarcasm and wit, your intelligence. Every day I will long to see you smile one more time and to know that it was because of me. I remember how brightly you smiled in that apartment building's lobby after we thought we defeated Lilith. You looked so happy. We were so happy then, we had so much love and joy and hope. Why can't we go back to that? It is a silly request, but I'll never go a day without thinking about what it would be like if you took me back._

"Neither will I…" Magnus wasn't even aware of the fact that he was talking to the letter. Talking like Alec could hear him. His words were soft and strangled by his sobbing, but he spoke them regardless. Alec needed to know. He deserved to.

_I know you wanted me to gather all my things, but I can't bear to take any of them with me. It makes this all feel too permanent, too real. And even thought I will eventually have to come to terms with it, right now I just want to pretend, just for a little, that maybe I'm not really leaving. I left you all of our photographs together, the ones from our vacation._

In his refusal to acknowledge his surroundings last night, Magnus hadn't even noticed. Sure enough, upon glancing into the living room, all of their pictures were there. Their faces smiled back at him from atop the mantle. Magnus wanted to look away, to believe they were taunting him with the happiness they portrayed, but he could not bear to look away. Each and every one held a memory. A memory he would always cherish and never forget. The smile they brought to his face far from mirrored the one he wore in the photographs, instead it was full of regret and sadness. But it was a smile nonetheless, and he was thankful Alexander had left the pictures.

_Hopefully, they will remind you of me, because the last thing I want is for you to forget me. Promise me, Magnus, that you won't forget what we had. Promise me you will always remember our love. It is too painful for me to bear the idea of you forgetting about me when I know I'll never forget you. There is one picture I took though. The one of us kissing under the Eiffel Tower, but it wasn't planned. Surely you remember it? You were holding the camora? Camera? Camero? Those mundane words are so confusing. _

He couldn't help but chuckle at the shadowhunter's confusion. He was so adorable. The thought sent a sharp spike of longing through his heart, because he had lost that when he decided to end things.

_Anyway, you had it stretched out in front of us and we were both smiling, but at the last second we both turned to kiss each other on the cheek, and our eyes went wide when we were met with lips instead. We laughed for a long time afterwards. The other tourists must have thought we were insane. I just think we were happy. But I promise that's the only photo I took. You can have the rest, as long as you'll look at them often and remind yourself of what we once were. I really thought you were it for me, Magnus. After I met you I could never imagine my future without you in it. Even if I could picture a life without you, I don't think I would have ever been able to guess how much it would hurt. _

And now that he thought about it, he couldn't really picture a future without Alec either. And it was worse for him because a future without Alec meant an eternity without Alec. A dark, empty, bleak, loveless, eternity. The thought sent a shudder down his spine and made his tears spill faster and harder. The letter was coated with a new set of wet spots, his own tears merging with Alec's and smearing the ink even further.

_I love you more than I thought I was capable of loving another. _

"Me too, darling, me too."

_Never forget that I love you. You may forget the time we spent together, how we met, why we broke up, why I ever made you happy in the first place, you may even forget why you loved me, but please, I'm begging you, never forget that a boy named Alexander Gideon Lightwood loves you. _

_It is nice to think that even though we are apart, I will always be your darling. _

A sob unlike any other tore its way out of his throat, producing a pained, inhuman noise. Magnus stuffed his fist in his mouth to stop from shrieking again. It was just too much for him to bear. He could not imagine Alec ever _not _belonging to him, and yet he had gone and screwed that all up. Sure, he was angry, and yes, Alec had done something awful, but he _loved _him. He was his _darling, _his one and only love. All of this was wrong. He shouldn't be holding this god-awful letter, he should be holding his Alec. He shouldn't be sobbing uncontrollably, he should be smiling and happy and _in love._

_I'll never stop loving you, _

_Alec_

Magnus' head fell to the table top once more as his body was overcome with the force of his tears. He had screwed everything up _so badly. _He needed to fix this. No, he _had _to fix it.

Quickly, he scrambled to his feet and rushed to his bedroom, tucking the tear-soaked letter under his arm. He set the paper on the nightstand before burrowing into the covers and closing his eyes. He needed to rest so his magic would be strong enough if he wanted to send Alexander a message in logos. So he dozed off, wrapped up in the residual warmth of his love's scent, and dreamt of what he would say to Alec.

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**A/N So obviously this isn't over. I actually think I'm going to write two more chapters. The next one will be Alec getting the message. And for CoolerThanArtThou, who requested happiness, I promise it will come in the fourth installment. I just felt like ending it here would have been too rushed. I suppose I could have tied up all the loose ends and ended it in two parts, but I wanted to draw it out a little more. Please bear with me! This should only have four parts to it, no more. I don't know how soon I can get the next one up, I'm pretty busy right now, but I'll try my best.**

**Please take a couple seconds to leave a review! It doesn't take long and it will make me sooooo happy! I swear, there is nothing better than opening your email to see a review notice from Fanfiction. Thanks for reading!**


	3. I Cannot Think of a Creative Title :

**A/N It occurred to me that in order for this to happen Alec would have never gone after Camille and got caught up with Maureen, so ignore that that happened in the book and pretend he went to the apartment and then back to the Institute.**

**The time frame for this is like this: Magnus broke up with Alec early in the morning, the book tells us that. Alec returns to the apartment writes the letter that same day. Magnus gets home late that night but doesn't see the letter. He discovers it the next morning, angsts all afternoon, and then sleeps straight through the night until the next day. That day is the day we are on right now. So this chapter takes place two days after the break up. Sorry if that confuses anyone, it confused me a little too. I never have been good with time.**

**Also, it came to my attention that some people might not remember what logos are. I had a few people who were confused at their mention in the last chapter. If you remember in City of Glass when Clary and Sebastian went to see Ragnor Fell and found Magnus instead, and Magnus showed Clary the message that Ragnor had left for him? The message was left in logos. They were described to be magical letters made of some sort of green fire, each about six inches tall. Logos is a way for warlocks to communicate with each other. The message in CoG was in warlock language, but I imagine that they can make them in whatever language they like, so they will be in English for my purposes. I would give you the exact part in the book but a friend of mine currently has my copy of CoG so I can't look it up. But I hope this is adequate.**

**I'm so sorry this took so long! I know I promised a fast update, but then my family was in town for the Fourth of July and they stayed for a lot longer than expected. They live a good eight hours away so I never get to see them, and because I was with them I had no time to write. And then I got caught up with volleyball and marching band practice and band camp and I am so sorry for not getting this out quicker. I am such a bad author. Thank you all for your patience. I hope the chapter makes up for the wait. EXCUSES EXCUSES I KNOW, I AM A BAD AUTHOR. Seriously, that was uncalled for. I took way too long. I cannot apologise enough! **

**Don't own! Don't sue!**

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed/favourited/alerted/followed on Tumblr! I love hearing what you all have to say and I am so glad people want to keep reading this story! You're all so wonderful and I am glad to have feedback from such nice people!**

**Agh, sorry for such a long author's note! Surely you don't want to hear me talk. I'll let you read, I promise. Here!**

* * *

"ALEXANDER GIDEON LIGHTWOOD COME OUT OF THAT BEDROOM RIGHT NOW OR SO HELP ME I WILL TEAR DOWN THE DOOR AND DRAG YOU OUT!" Isabelle shouted from the other side of the door that separated Alec's room from the Institute hallway.

"GO AWAY!" Alec shouted back, although he didn't sound too angry, and his shout wasn't very forceful. He just sounded tired and upset.

Alec hadn't come out of his room at all in the past two days, and no one knew why. No one except Alec, of course. His sister didn't seem to understand that a locked door meant he didn't want to interact with people, and she had been at his door nonstop, making idle threats to knock the door over and set the room on fire. Alec knew she'd never do that though; if she was really desperate to get into his room she would have used her stele by now. Alec knew that she would soon lose interest and leave, off to visit Jace in the infirmary or hang out with Simon or something. He supposed that was one good thing about the situation. Jace wouldn't hesitate to rip the door off its hinges, but he still hadn't woken up and wouldn't be coming to his room any time soon.

No matter how close he was with his siblings, Alec didn't want to speak with any of them right now. He preferred to be left alone to sulk. It had only been three days Magnus broke up with him, and he didn't feel any better. In fact, he felt worse.

When he had gone to gather his things he had left Magnus a letter on the table. In his distress it had seemed like a smart move, a last ditch attempt to lay his heart on the line in order to earn Magnus' forgiveness, but as the minutes ticked by and he received no sign that Magnus had even read the letter he began to feel silly. Of course the letter wouldn't change anything. Nothing could change how badly he had screwed up. And to think that some poorly worded and overly emotional letter would do the job was too optimistic and definitely foolish.

"Alec, what is WRONG with you?!" Isabelle yelled, "Can you please just let me in?"

"No," Alec sniffed stubbornly. Isabelle would leave soon, he just had to get through the conversation and then he could be alone to wallow in his sorrows again.

"Please?" She begged. Her voice had changed, it was softer now; the voice of a truly concerned younger sibling. All his life Alec had confided in Isabelle, so there was no reason he couldn't talk to her now. It really wouldn't hurt to talk to someone. Alec kept telling himself this, but in a way he thought it would hurt because telling someone made everything seem more real. And he still hoped that none of it had ever truly happened.

"Alec, I just want to know what's wrong. I'm worried about you. Can you please talk to me?" Isabelle continued to plead, trying to convince Alec to open up, and not just concerning the door serving as a blockade between them. Her visit this time was different. She never stayed this long, never tried to actually talk to him like this. Most of the time it was just a lot of yelling and then she'd stomp off angrily to rant to Jace's unconscious form in the infirmary about Alec's stubbornness, and Alec would flop over on his bed and bury his face in his pillow, trying to forget that the rest of the world existed. Outside the door, Izzy started to worry. It didn't seem as though Alec was going to respond any time soon. With a sigh of resignation she turned on her heel and began to walk away.

"Wait!" Alec stuck his head through the gap he had made by opening the door. His blue eyes were wild and panicked, and his raven hair looked as though it hadn't been tended to in days. There were fresh tears visible in his eyes, and his whole demeanour was off. In short, he looked like a broken version of his old self. "You can come in…" He trailed off awkwardly and hung his head, trying to hide the evidence of his heartbreak. He didn't want pity. He just wanted someone to talk to.

"Oh, _Alec,_" Isabelle murmured, rushing to his side and pulling her brother into a tight embrace. He reveled in the feel of his sister's thin, muscled arms wound around his tired frame. Even though Isabelle wasn't a very affectionate person she was very protective of her brothers, and could be incredibly comforting when she needed to be. Her hugs were rare and few, but Alec thought they were the best hugs anyone could receive. She pulled away and wiped the tear tracks from his cheeks with a gentle stroke of her thumb, and then curled her fingers around his wrist, tugging him into his room and navigating him toward the bed. The door fell shut with a soft click behind him.

Alec perched precariously on the edge of his mattress, leaning forward and pressing the heels his palms into his eyes. Isabelle looked down at him with a puzzled expression. She wasn't quite sure how to handle the situation. Alec _never _fell apart like this. The silence surrounded them like a blanket, and Isabelle wasn't sure if she should wait for Alec to say something, or if she should break it herself. Her deep grey eyes stared inquisitively down at her clearly broken older brother, scrambling for something, anything she could say to make things better.

"Magnus broke up with me," Alec blurted all of a sudden, head shooting up and sad blue eyes connecting with her grey ones.

Of all the things Isabelle had expected, this certainly wasn't one of them. She had noticed that they were a little on edge while "Team Good" had been busy looking for Jace and Sebastian, but she figured all couples have problems and they would find a way to work things out. She didn't think that someone so permanent for her brother, someone he cared so dearly for, would end what they had.

"WHAT?!" She burst out, the protectiveness in her instinctually kicking in. "Why would he do that?" She didn't even stop to think how her words might affect Alec, she was too angry at the warlock for reducing her brother to something this low.

Alec cringed visibly at her outburst, and she was instantly sorry for yelling. She was too impulsive and she knew that if she was going to be any comfort to her quiet, more reserved sibling then she was going to have to approach the matter carefully. "What happened?" She ventured quietly. Her body language made it clear that she was curious, and she would listen if Alec wanted to divulge any information, but she wasn't going to push him to say something he wasn't ready to. This made Alec relax. He began to tell his sister the story of how everything went wrong, starting back when Camille showed up for the first time in ages. She just listened quietly, nodding at the right parts and placing a soothing hand on his shoulder for comfort. Isabelle tried her best to hide her own emotion, but she couldn't help but feel angry at Magnus for being so secretive and not giving Alec the explanations he so desperately sought.

* * *

By the time Alec had finished telling his tale the day outside the window had turned to dusk, and he was incredibly exhausted. Reliving those painful memories really took a toll on his body, and he was now leaning into Isabelle in his exhaustion. Isabelle sighed sadly. Alec was really upset. She wasn't used to seeing him this upset.

"Thank you," Alec whispered so softly that she would not have heard had his head not been buried in her hair. Isabelle's slim fingers came up to rest gently on his back. The touch was comforting for both of them, it gave Alec a new sense of belonging and Isabelle reassurance that she was indeed, doing something good for her older brother.

"I'll always be there for you, Alec," Isabelle reassured, "It's what siblings are for."

Alec's troubled blue eyes looked up to meet Isabelle's worried grey ones, and for the first time in a long time she didn't see him as the strong, mature adult he tried to be, but the unsure little boy she knew while they grew up. It only made her protectiveness grow stronger.

"Will you stay with me tonight?" Alec asked hesitantly. They had shared a bed many times before, during their childhood when Isabelle had nightmares and their parents weren't at the Institute, after particularly risky hunts when they weren't too sure they would make it that time, after Isabelle's various heartbreaks, and now, after Alec's. There was something about sharing a bed with a sibling that provided a comfort that could be matched by no other. Alec needed that comfort now, and Isabelle understood perfectly.

They laid back and curled up side by side on top of the comforter. Alec clung to his sister's body like his life depended on it, and Isabelle just stroked a soothing hand across his back, murmuring sweet nothings until they both dozed off to sleep.

* * *

They had been asleep for several hours, and it was well into the night (around four in the morning) when they were awoke by a brilliant flash of green light. Alec sat up with a start, easily awoken from his sleep as it had been very light. Isabelle was slower to wake, but was just as confused as Alec was.

"What do you think it is?" Isabelle asked dazedly. The green light swirled and undulated like a curtain of fabric, spreading out and shrinking in on its self. It appeared as though it was trying to form a shape, but then something prevented it from solidifying completely.

"I'm not sure," Alec lied. The room was filled with the burning scent of magic, Magnus' magic. It was a scent he would recognise anywhere. It made his heart swell with emotion. Excitement because he hadn't thought Magnus would bother to contact him, anxiety because he had no idea what was going to come out of this, and sadness because _why_ hadn't Magnus contacted him _earlier?_ But he wasn't about to let Isabelle know that this was Magnus' doing; she would immediately haul him away so he couldn't see what was going on, trying to protect him. Something in Alec told him that wouldn't be a good idea, that he should stay and see what Magnus was trying to do.

The green light suddenly spelled out a sentence, the letters flaming green and burning bright along the wall as if someone had written them with fire. They flickered and sparked like a flame, but left no mark and produced no smoke. They were scrawled as easily as if they had been traced with a pen onto paper.

_ASK YOUR SISTER TO LEAVE_

Isabelle gasped.

"Alec, is it _talking _to you?" She asked, turning to try and gauge his expression.

"Iz, I think it's right. You should go." Alec said solemnly. He tried not to betray any emotion in his gaze; he didn't need Isabelle to detect his conflicting thoughts.

"Are you sure? What if it hurts you? I have no idea what is going on, Alexander." He could tell his sister was worried, but he had no choice. Magnus obviously wanted her out of the room before they would talk.

"I'll be fine, Izzy," Alec reassured. "Just, let me handle it. I'll come get you when I'm done."

"You promise?" Isabelle asked defiantly. Alec knew she really didn't want to leave, but she also knew that Alec would handle the situation, whatever it was, and was prepared to leave him as long as he would be safe. _I guess she forgot that logos are completely harmless. _Alec thought.

"Yes, Isabelle." He could practically _hear_ Magnus scoffing at his sister's protectiveness and utter lack of knowledge. He was probably tapping his foot with impatience. Alec had to resist the urge to roll his eyes.

"Fine. I guess I'll go then…" Isabelle walked out of his room with an awkward wave, pulling the door shut behind her. Alec turned to the letters on the wall.

"Magnus…?" He whispered almost to himself, but he was really talking to Magnus. He wondered if he could hear him.

_HI_

"Hi? That's what you have to say? Hi?!" Alec asked incredulously. "Magnus, what is this all about?"

_I GOT YOUR LETTER_

Oh. Alec's heart sank. So _that's _why Magnus was talking to him now. He should have been relieved, happy that Magnus was actually speaking (more or less) with him, but he was actually _angry. _He was angry that Magnus hadn't bothered to contact him earlier, he was angry that he had let him wait this long.

"What do you want, Magnus?" Alec asked. He didn't want to talk to Magnus if he was just planning on toying with his emotions. He couldn't handle anymore lies. He just wanted the truth.

_WILL YOU LET ME EXPLAIN_

"Explain _what, _Magnus? Your past? Your seventeen billion secrets? Why you never bothered to let me apologise? Do you even care? Why are you talking to me now when you could barely look at me a couple days ago?" Alec had so many questions. They all just bubbled over, flowing out uncontrollably through his lips.

_YES_

_IF YOU'LL LET ME_

Alec gasped. "Why _now, _Magnus?"

_BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I HAD UNTIL IT WAS GONE_

_CLICHÉ I KNOW_

"Magnus, I don't know…"

_JUST TRUST ME_

Alec stared in silence at the green letters flickering across his wall for another moment. He tried to picture what Magnus' facial expression would be right now, he wondered if he looked sincere. But Alec wasn't sure if he could trust himself. He imagines that the flames are actually the green irises of Magnus' eyes, the words seem to be true, and Alec can tell that Magnus isn't lying. He really wants to explain. Magnus is trustworthy. But Alec knows his own heart isn't.

_PLEASE ALEXANDER_

Then, just like that, his resolve breaks.

"Okay."

* * *

**A/N Oh my goodness that was a lot shorter than I thought it was going to be. I tried to make it longer but I felt like it didn't flow right. I hope that length wasn't too disappointing. Was my Isabelle okay? I always feel like she's really hard to write since she has so many different sides to her personality. But I love the protective sibling side of her. It was fun to write that section.**

**Reviews are always appreciated! Feel free to yell at me for making you wait this long. I'm SO sorry, I seriously cannot apologise enough. You guys are the greatest for putting up with my inconsistency! *hugs* I start school in a couple of weeks, so I want to try and get the final installment of this up before then. But I need to get it JUST right, you know? I feel like saying this is going to come back and bite me, but expect the last part before August 22nd. Or around there. Shortly after maybe. Thanks again for putting up with me :)))_  
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